Rough.

When things happen and you don’t give yourself enough time to realize them…


Last weekend I realized how shut off and unfair I’ve been to the world around me…
I went through a weird breakup quite a while ago, but never mourned it.
A five year relationship; and I barely blinked…
And it all surfaced last weekend.
It wasn’t necessarily just seeing the person as an “ex”. I think people tend to over think that scenerio…
But i saw, for the first time in months, the person who used to be my best friend. Who I called on the way home even though I’d see them at home.
The person to whom I could say one word and they’d understand my entire thought process.
Someone I grew up with and who grew with me.
So seeing them last weekend brought to realization that I had never mourned my loss of them because I had assumed that, past a relationship, we’d always remain friends…
Naïvely.
Because that’s not something you can ever do with someone you’ve seen so intimately and vulnerable.

But talking to him was still as easy as it had always been. The words flowed, as well as tears, when realizations I hadn’t even MADE yet, just poured out of my mouth.
I told him how socially stubborn I’d become… like a shy skeleton of the outgoing, bubbly, and colorful person I used to be…
I told him a out how I’ve been avoiding emotional commitment to anyone new because of the fact that somehow, so unlike me, I’ve become extremely afraid of rejection…
Just this May I was parading around, meeting new people, flirting, having a carefree time…
And once I moved into the farm it just kind of all hit me at once.
I’ve been surrounded by people who don’t REALLY know who I am, and we all come from different backgrounds and live together without necessarily choosing eachother.
And I’ve had this passive agressive anger about the people I surround myself with…
I’ve held far more inside in the past few months than I’d care to admit and I have no justified answer for it…
I’m the opposite of proud. I’ve been so concerned with people thinking I’m agreeable that I’ve laid my morals aside and let other people decide how I’ll act, for me…
And that’s 100% my fault, not theirs.
I cannot make people like me… and I really shouldn’t make myself care whether they do or dont.
And as far as all my friends from home??? Between busy schedules I can never get a hold of them or were free on different days or different times, and they all expect me to be loving this new experience so I have to make them think I do, but I’m not a good liar, so I just shut up about it.
And the whole time I gather angst because none of my closest friends wonder what’s wrong or why I’ve been acting so weird…. except AO.
AO always calls me out on my shit.
I just don’t see her enough anymore on the weekends for her to know about what’s up.


And after all of that happens, and I’ve cried all I can cry and talked Julio’s ear off… he tells me I can’t be like that. And that I need to start being happy again because this bullshit I’m pulling right now isn’t who I am or what I’ve worked so hard to become.
Moreorless.
And it was just that. A huge slap on the wrist and a sassy “Bitch, getchyo shit togetha”…
The pieces aren’t all back together yet… but I’m working on them.